Well. Shoot Me!

How often do we take responsibility for our own lives? Not very often. At least I don't.

 There’s guy I’ve been going crazy about. Not cut-my-wrists crazy. Just let’s-buy-a-house-together-and-have-17-kids crazy. And I don’t even like kids!

He is smart, funny, intelligent, kind, mature and easy on the eyes. Darn too easy! And I? Well I am awesome. ptsch.

Throughout the year, I kept dissecting every move the guy made, every thing he ever said to me to find out if he likes me. And he does. It fit the rule book. Eye contact? Check. Teasing? Check. Mirroring? Check. Defend me against the big bad evil? Check. Laugh at my jokes? Check. And that’s huge cause well, my jokes? They can kill a person. Literally.

What’s the problem? Hmm. ME!

Its just I got so busy trying to see what he did or did not do, that I forgot MY role in it. I complained that he sometimes ignored me, that he dint talk to me enough, that sometime he didn’t even acknowledge my existence. And after a year of complaining and nagging about him to my friends about his crimes, I realized the reason why...

 It was me. Me all along. I never gave him the slightest indication that I liked him. I kept my guard up around him. I would hardly smile at him, rarely make eye contact and NEVER initiate a conversation with him. For all I know the poor guy must think I hate him. And yet he continued to be nice and kind. How can you not dig that guy?

I realize I’ve been cruel. Making your feelings known is difficult. So I can excuse myself for that. But not attempting normal human conversation or even a hi and not helping him out or being nice to him when he really needed it, even when I wanted to, what does that make me? A 5 letter word! And even after I realized it and told myself I would be better, talk more, smile more, stare him to death, when he really came before me, I never did. I was the same old girl who ignored him, never talked to him and didn’t acknowledge his existence.

And now that the year’s coming to an end, I guess that’s how he will always remember me... A 5 letter word.

This Guy I Knew...

I realized how much I missed a class mate as I welled up when I realized how I would never see him again...It is the year when we graduate and he has taken up a different subject from mine. I don’t even know if we are in the same college anymore.

We never talked. Never said a HI or even smiled at each other. Our seats were just close to each other in the class. I had a soft spot for him, a little crush if you may. But I thought it was just a reaction to my trying to get over a huge crush on some guy, which dint work out.

But this guy is special to me. I only got it NOW, but he is!

I called him Blondie in front of my friends. Not in the usual cliché way. Quite the opposite actually. He was the smartest guy in our class. He was met with dumbfound expressions from students and teachers alike whenever he spoke in the class. He was that smart! Insanely so…

It was just that he was the only one with blonde hair, in a class of brunettes. That’s why he was my Blondie.

Blondie was such a calm and quiet person that you would rarely feel his presence unless you saw him! But if you dare asked him a question, he would begin his long tiring speech, ever so precise and full of lore that it would make you wonder if he had ever watched F.R.I.E.N.D.S or ate food. He might know about these things, because well, he knew EVERYTHING! But whether he actually did any of them … um..

I was quite sure he dint play sports either. Either that or he moisturized his hands daily and got manicures.

Blondie had a funny nasal voice that sometimes made me giggle. Not in a bad way. Just in a “oh you’re so adorable “way. Once I was passing by him on my way outside the class, when he was talking comically about something, in his usual unique voice. I remember rushing outside and breaking into a fit of laughter. Oh I loved him! (Um not like that).

He was very much in control of his expressions. I could never guess what was going on in his smart ass brain. His posture was relaxed, his gaze steady, even his hands were placed lightly on the desk, no pressure ever so slightly. I am confident that if Blondie is ever held at gunpoint, he wouldn’t so much as blink!

I know it seems like I am making fun of this guy... Not at all. In fact I love this guy… all his peculiarities, I just loved them. From his eccentric blond hair, to his nerdy glasses, his simplistic dressing style, his graceful swagger, the pale skin, his dark intelligent eyes, his black and florescent green shoes, I loved it all!

And that’s why I am going to miss him so much. We weren’t friends. I never talked to him. I am not sure if he even knows my name. But I am going to miss him. All of him. Seeing him everyday, wondering what new thing is going to pop out of his mouth, making my friends spy on him to see if he ever stared at me (I had a crush on him, remember!), staring into those perfect, beautiful eyes and seeing HIS dumbfound expression (attraction and infatuation confuse him, I guess), sitting on the edge of the seat wondering if he would attend the class or not (he would bunk a lot! I KNOW!). Sometimes I wish I had tried to be friends with him. Get to know the real Blondie, past all that knowledge and intelligence. But I dint. Though ill always have this regret, I know ten years from now when I think back to those days, ill be happy I ever knew a guy named Blondie. MY Blondie.

Did He or Did He Not???

Fellow ladies, I am sure you can sympathize with me.

Have you ever been in that moment when you wonder if that guy looked at you because he likes you, or because he thinks you are a train wreck??

Who am I kidding? Of course you have!!!

No matter how much confidence I have, how much good I feel about myself, there is this nagging thought every time a guy looks at me.

They say men can’t read your mind! Hello!! We can’t either!

Well, at least I can’t…

So every time a guy checks me out, I wonder if he is really interested or do I have something stuck in my teeth (which is often, given my bugs bunny teeth). And all that confidence, which I usually have, just flies away!! Like a pigeon with its wings on fire!!

Do you girls feel the same??

And there is this other problem… How do we know if they are available or not?

At this wedding I recently attended, there was this guy who made eyes with me all the time! Ok I admit I started it, but he was really hot…I got this full blown crush right when he first saw me… and I was gone! I swear my heart was thumping like a hummingbird all the time! The next day my hopes where shattered! My cousin told me he has been in a relationship for 5 years!! 5!! And that idiot looked at me all through the wedding and encouraged me… any way I got over the shock, but it kept me wondering…how do we ever know if someone is available or not??? Asking is one thing, yes! But from where I come from, we don’t flirt and we don’t tell!!

Maybe people should wear badges saying if they are committed, or single, or interested, or psychopaths…make them digital so they can keep updating them!!!Life would be so much easier…I wouldn’t have to spend hours over the phone with my girl friends dissecting every single move that the guy made!!

Then there are these confused guys! A guy in my college wins the award for this one…he is really smart and cute, and I kinda want him to decide real quick! He looks at me one day, ignores me the next, stares at me some other day, and there are days he wont even acknowledge my existence. And my friends swear he runs a quick glance at my usual spot in the class when I am not there!! Huh?? What is going on in his mind? Does he like me or not?? It’s as plain as that….Fellow male bloggers, if you happen to read this blog please help me out…should I move on? Or should I wait for him to make up his mind??

The bottom line is, I want things to be simpler…I don’t want to spend my time wondering and spending my energy on these useless thoughts (useless if the guy is really not interested). I mean I can deal with a guy not interested. But the complexity of all this really ruins it for me and makes me reach for my axe (not the deodorant, idiot!)

So guys, if you like me come up and say it!! I won’t kill you! And if you are not, please please DON’T stare at me!! I can deal with a hot guy not looking, but not with all the confusion if he is not really interested!!

Do you feel the same??? please do comment… 

The Misfit.

The Misfit

Mr. know it all dictionary defines misfit as :

1. Something of the wrong size or shape for its purpose.

2. One who is unable to adjust to one's environment or circumstances or is considered to be disturbingly different from others.

Now am I talking about clothes that don’t fit well?? Maybe... But I am leaning more towards different! Disturbingly so they say…

For a moment I am so proud I am not like anyone else, I revel in it. And then suddenly I feel timid and unsure about myself…being different has no security, no feeling of belongingness with others. By different I don’t mean I have 3 arms or worse 73 cats! And maybe people don’t even realize that I am different (hell most don’t even bother looking at me). But its there in my head all the time! That little voice asking me to confirm…Give in!

And just for a tiny weak moment, I do!

But it doesn’t feel good! Its suffocating…it’s THEIR shoes! Walking around in them kills my feet! And brings my clumsiness up to a whole new level! (I swear He did mess up…gave me two left feet!).

So I go back to being scared. A little freak. To being so socially awkward I have to use Google to get what people mean! (No kidding!) And falling and slipping all the way home!(still not kidding!)

So I am going to try and be comfortable with who I am! Gutsy and unwavering and all that!! Walk in my own shoes.. Cause when you wear a shoe size 10, how much choice do you really have!!

The Misfit.


**pls do comment to let me know how crappy this post is!!ill appreciate it..and i promise i wont cry :(